Breathe
by With A Smile
Summary: If he squints, he thinks he can see her there. For the lovely Defining Aerith. Cloud x Aeris.


**NOTE: **_Part of WAS's I Will Rewrite club, because Def. Aer. deserves better._

**A/N: **Waitwaitwait WHUT, WAS? A Cleris?

Uhm, yes. It's for the splendidly talented **Defining Aerith**. She was kind enough to write me a giftfic, so this is for her. No, I don't love Cloti any less, but she did open my eyes to a lot of beautiful Clerises.

Set while Cloud is away before AC.

Thanks for clicking :)

**Disclaimer:** Don't own Final Fantasy VII, or Valentine's Day.

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**Breathe**

Today is her birthday.

Cloud knows that much. Dates and times get jumbled up a lot in his mind, but certain things do stick.

Like the fact that February 7th is a very important day.

If she were alive, he'd tell her happy birthday and that the sun was shining extra bright, maybe it was just for her?

Because it is and he can see it pouring in through the (more than a) crack in the roof of the church, it's setting his tiny world and half-reality on fire with its golden glow and everything is alight and consumed in the conflagration. It's illuminating the flowers and they're drinking it up, hungrily and thirstily and if he squints he thinks he can see her form there, kneeling down and caressing a bud gently, whispering soft words that coax it into blossoming, taking care of the little shoots of life in the tender way that only she could manage.

But he doesn't squint because he doesn't want to deal with that kind of thought, which only makes his guilt harder to swallow and clump together in his throat and tickle his nose and sting his eyes in a way that it hasn't since the day she…

If she were alive, she'd tell him to stop being silly and to help her water the plants.

He does do it, on occasion. Even though her plants don't seem to need water or food or any basic necessities that any living thing should require, even though they seem perfectly fine and the only thing they'd ever need was her presence to make them explode with life and color… he'd still water them. It seems like the respectful thing to do to him. The right thing to do.

If she were alive, he probably wouldn't have that horrid black pus oozing from him, he probably wouldn't be in half as much pain, he probably wouldn't pass out the next time whatever's inside of him decides to act up.

She was always good with healing, and it seemed like the Restore Materia was second nature to her. Wounds and injuries vanished as her porcelain fingers curled up and then released the magic that she held within. Perhaps it came with her caring nature, her desire to heal and tend to all living things, her larger-than-life heart and her bright-as-daylight smile. She never let anyone who was hurt slip by without a spell and a smile.

If she were alive, he would probably be telling her sorry, he didn't know what to get her and that he hoped she would be okay with it.

He never had a birthday party or birthday presents before, so maybe she'll forgive him for not knowing exactly what was appropriate. Girls liked jewelry and sparkly things, right? Diamonds and gemstones and things with monetary value that would make his own eyes boggle. Still, she'd never seemed materialistic, but women were a mystery and if she were alive, he'd still be as empty-handed as he is now (because what, exactly, do you give a spirit?).

If she were alive she'd probably tell him that Valentine's Day is just a week away and that was he doing anything for Tifa?

Truth was that he didn't have anything for her. He didn't like gushy things like Valentine's Day and chocolate hearts and candy kisses with secret messages inside. But she would just laugh at him and tell him to just _get_ something for her, already, she's done so much for him! But he doesn't go out and get anything because he's no good at touchy-feely things and there's something else that stops him from doing just that but it's nothing he'd ever admit to _her_.

If she were alive, she'd be laughing and giggling with the joy of a another year of a happy life and her eyes, those explosively green eyes, they'd be shining and twinkling and they'd set something else on fire inside his chest that makes it hard to think straight, because it'd throw his rationality and thought patterns out the window too.

Yeah, those eyes, they'd be alive and bright and possibly (no, _definitely_) the greenest things he's ever seen and ever will see and probably (no, _undeniably_) the most vibrant things he's ever experienced and ever needs to experience because he only needs to feel like he's falling into an endless pit once in his life.

He's still falling, you know…

If she were alive, he'd probably be in the same position he is now, sitting on the cracked wooden floorboards in the church staring at the flowers in the garden as if hoping to see them bloom right in front of his eyes (he swears one of them is taller since he fell asleep staring at it last night).

Only he'd probably be staring at a true, radiant flower rather than makeshift substitute (and oh-so _ordinary_) blossoms instead. And even if pink is unnatural in the gray and drab color palette of the city, it fits right into her place, the place of vivaciousness that's suffused with that golden glow that'll never fade because the sun will shine for eternity because _she'll_ make it so. Because it's her (his, _their_) place.

If she were alive, she'd probably be radiating delight but she'd also be somber in that special grave way for the people who _couldn't_ share the sunshine and the smell of flowers and the laughter with her. For people who she loved who she had to give up because sometimes _life just isn't fair_.

Like Zack, Cloud thinks. She'd spare a thought (or twenty) for him, just like he does every day to think about the people who've given up so much (like their lives) for the greater good, and it makes him feel so unworthy, just like it always does, but at the same time it makes him that much more motivated to _be_ worthy and earn a spot in people's memories and in the stories that they'd tell their grandchildren about heroes and people whose lives _meant_ something.

If she were alive, he'd probably be dragged off on some trip to celebrate, maybe on the _Shera_ or Fenrir, and he'd let her, just once (or twice) because it's her birthday.

She was always feisty like that, strong-willed and set in her ways. There wasn't a thing she set her eye on that she didn't achieve. Even her untimely –death– (the world still makes him uncomfortable, he doesn't like to think she's dead, because he can still feel her in the air he breathes) wasn't enough to stop her from her ultimate goal- defeating Sephiroth. Good always triumphs evil, right? (Even if some sacrifices have to be made…)

If she were alive she'd be so animated and friendly and she'd want everyone to enjoy today with her, she'd want Tifa and Barret and Yuffie and Reeve and Vincent and Nanaki and even the Turks to come and just plain have fun.

Because bottom line, she wanted happiness for all of her friends.

If she were alive (if, if, if), he'd have a million and one things he'd want to tell her (except maybe that last one, he still needs time to ponder that), a million things he'll never get the chance to say because she's gone (gone, he feels that word echoing inside of him, it drives him crazy)…

If she were alive he'd have so much to say…

But she's not (never will be, no matter how much he wills it otherwise), and all he has is an empty church and an empty heart to tell a million (minus one) things to.


End file.
